OLD BILBO: You might have formerly thought my adventures would make a rather short book. In fact, it was more like three quite substantial movies. читать дальше <...> FLASHBACK TO FORTRESS, MANNED BY HANDSOME DWARF PRINCE, ATTACKED BY DRAGON. OLD BILBO: And then they saw unleashed a blast of unrivalled and relentless hotness. AUDIENCE: Well, he is VERY attractive. AUDIENCE: Oh. Oh you meant the dragon, right, our bad… <...> THRANDUIL KING OF THE ELVES: We should go help our sworn allies, the dwarves. That’s why I came wearing my shiny battle tiara! <...> OLD BILBO: And Thorin never forgave. And he never forgot. And he never got any less dreamy. <...> THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: I would have arrived earlier but frankly you were juggling plates and singing about the washing up and I’m not in for that. THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: So I stood around outside letting the rain wash down my chiseled profile, staring out into the night and thinking about my dark past, as is my way. <...> GANDALF: Take a hit off my pipe, Radagast. Yeah, these movies make a LOT more sense when you know I’m high literally the whole time, don’t they? <...> SARUMAN: I’m also here, your noble and incorruptible leader, Saruman The Totally Not Evil. <...> BILBO: *pretty reasonably, falls off moving cliff* THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: *rescues him* AUDIENCE: Thorin Dreamboatshield, you–you DID SOMETHING! Like, in the present! You did something, yes you did, yes you did! <...> DWARF WITH THE FUNNY HAT: I wish you all the luck in the world, Bilbo. BILBO: And I wish you dwarves could’ve mentioned your names a bit more frequently, because I feel like this is a very warm and special moment between us, Dwarf With The Funny Hat. <...> THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Get into the trees! Orcs and the giant magic wolves they ride on can’t climb! CAPTAIN HORC: Of course we can. I mean, we all have hands? I mean, MOST OF US have TWO hands, THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD. <...> THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: dun dun dun! THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: running through the fire, wind in his hair! THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: his hair doesn’t go on fire because he’s just that man–dwarfly. THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: dun dun dun! <...> FILI AND KILI: What a dwarf! BALIN: His hair, his hair falls perfectly without him tryin’/He’s so beautiful/And I tell him every day FILI AND KILI AND BALIN: If perfect’s what you’re searching for/Then just stay the same! When I see your face/There’s not a thing that I would change/ ‘Cause girl you’re amazing! GANDALF: Does anyone want to go back Thorin up? DWARVES IN THE TREE: Um, duh? We are Thorin’s back-up. We’re his back-up dancers. GANDALF: This misunderstanding explains a lot. (c)